A Relentless Hope

A relentless hope.

That’s the kind of hope I have, a relentless hope. The kind of hope that had been tested and tried, again and again and again. I have the kind of hope that hasn’t always been strong; at times it has been weak, at times it’s been so close to shattering into a million pieces and evaporating into thin air, but I’ve always clung to those tiny pieces of hope, grabbing them tightly and letting them guide me to brighter days. I have the kind of hope that is pure and compassionate and all-encompassing. The kind that makes others look at me as if I am naive, makes them whisper behind my back, “The kind of hope she has is the kind a person who has never seen great sorrow possesses, she must have never known pain.”

I hope more than other think is logical, practical, sane, or healthy. I think some people want to shake me, to scream at me, “Don’t you get it?! Don’t you see?! This world is broken! There is so much pain! Why do you hold on when there are unlimited reasons as to why you should give up?! How do you live in such a pain free world?!”

My answer is simple, or at least to me it is, and takes many people by surprise.

I don’t live in a pain free world, not even close. I have seen more than my share of sorrows and pain. Of love and life lost. Of betrayal. Abandonment. Trauma. Abuse. But I do not wish to compare my hurts to yours, for I have surely not experienced the worst suffering that this world can inflict upon someone. Pain, grief, sorrow, loss, none of these things are a competition. I don’t want our hurts to duke it out, see who has been through less, who has been through more. There is no winning, only loss in the Game of Suffering. All you need to know is that I have been through enough.

So why do I possess a relentless hope? Because for me, that’s the only choice I have. To hope like its nobodies business or give up, and giving up has never been and will never be an option. If I let go of hope, then the hardships of my past will surely try to eat me alive, attempt to hold me back from living because I’m so afraid of being hurt again like I was before. Without hope, every hurt is like a terrible reminder of what can happen, what can go wrong, why we shouldn’t take that leap of faith or embrace that new opportunity.

Relentless hope is sort of like hope on steroids. Hope plus action and purpose. It isn’t solitary, it doesn’t wait around for things to happen or things to change. I use my hope as fuel to move forward, try new things, blaze new trails, embrace new opportunities, live in the moment, chase my dreams, and love with my whole heart.

With relentless hope, I chase down and face my greatest fears, I slowly start to overcome them. With relentless hope, I move forward in life and use past experiences as something I can learn from rather than something to run from and fear. It isn’t always easy, some days are so much harder and more painful than others, but even on my weakest days, I am reminded that there is something beautiful, something bright, and something wonderful, about each and every day, and more importantly, about this life. There is something good to even the worst of days. There is the tiniest sliver of hope in even the darkest of nights.

Everyday I am reminded that this world is full of incredible people doing incredible things. I see them all around me, and their light shines so bright.

I’ve found that those whose lights shine the brightest often have seen and experienced the most darkness this world has to offer. They have hurt the most, suffered the most, yet they possess something that allows their light to shine brighter than those around them.

Perhaps what they possess is a certain kind of hope, a relentless hope.